I recently met a writer in a non-authoring situation. After completing a little background reading on them, I decided it was time.
I enjoy writing poems, but are they any good? When viewed through Olumide Holloway’s creative writing lens (Word Up), they mostly suck.
In the spirit of reflective self improvement I have revisited one of my ditties.
On a side note I learned that shaking the iPhone, in frustration, allowed me to undo the accidental deletion of said poem.
Polyvinyl chloride sparkle, eons in the making;
Irresponsibly procured, a token,
In an intergenerational
Treasure hunt for more,
Destined to voyage and become entwined,
In a grotesque ocean whirl.
To disintegrate and be consumed by
Zooplankton and coral; the primordial source.
Reports abound of microplastic laden seafood, served upon the plate.
Will it lead to ecocide and humanity’s suicide? Scientists debate.
Let me know if you think it is an improvement on the original, below, or not.
Beneath a hedge
Beyond leaf litter and bark
Draped over twigs
The blue tinsel-tousle dwells
8 thoughts on “Poetry revisited”
Wow. I hesitate to comment on creative endeavors of others, but since you asked, here are a few thoughts. I like the simplicity and whimsy of the original version. The second version is much more complex and I really enjoyed it, but think I would have preferred that it end with the word “source.” The last two lines have a kind of political activist tone that is not quite in keeping with the more lyrical flow of the lines that precede them.
Great feedback, thank you Mike, I will edit it and repost.
That’s cool. Each of us perceives words and images in different ways and it’s really your call to make adjustments as you see fit. I know that it is tough for me to evaluate my own creations–there is a kind of emotion involved in creating something that tends to cloud our objectivity. Still, unless we are trying to commercial and sell something, we only have to satisfy ourselves.
I agree. Thank you for your comments, I value your feedback.
I love a good poem.
I wish I knew better how to read and enjoy them though. I tend to enjoy them at a superficial level as I lack experience.
Please keep posting your poems !
Thank you for the vote of support, I will aim to do so.
We want a new entry !
Remiss of late, reasons too long to debate. Needless to say your blog’s first rate 😊